If you are a man and your marriage is in turmoil or you are separated, and for whatever reason, your wife hasn’t been able to clearly tell you what she needs from you, I’m going to give it a shot. Now, every woman is different, of course, as is every marriage, but some things remain the same. And as I write, I’m going to make the assumption that something bad has happened or there is a long-standing unhealthy habit or sin (abuse of any kind, addiction of any kind, adultery, etc.). So, here are some thoughts.

The absolute first step is to stop doing the behavior that has driven your wife to beg for help or to leave. Stop drinking. Stop lying. Stop cheating. Stop abusing her. Stop controlling her. Stop whatever it is. In some cases, it’s as easy as stopping. In most cases, you’ll need help to do so.

The rest of these are in no particular order but are of equal importance.

Admit there’s a problem. One of my many counselors said, “If someone has a problem with your {fill-in-the-blank behavior}, then there’s a problem.” If your wife is crying all the time or has left you, dear man, there is a problem. You must look it in the eye and acknowledge its existence and the pain that it has caused.

Get help. Odds are, you will not be able to walk this road alone. You must open yourself up to someone else to speak truth into your life and to help you untangle the mess.

Repent. Jesus wants to help you live a whole life, and the starting place is to ask forgiveness for what you’ve done and ask for help in turning things around. This is one of those prayers that he’s just waiting on the edge of his throne to answer for us. He loves helping us become whole again.

Apologize to her. Has your wife hurt you? I’m sure she has. But this isn’t about her right now. This is about you seeing clearly what you’ve done and outright telling her all that you’ve done wrong (this is not the time to sugarcoat the situation…lay it all out there) and that you are so sorry. Don’t do it if you don’t mean it because she’ll know if your heart’s right. For instance, if there’s some kind of deadline like, “We’ll be separating by July 1 if you don’t get in counseling and admit what you’ve done,” and you come to her on June 30, boy, you need to examine your heart because she is going to question your motives up one side and down the other, because a move like that looks like you’re just trying to save your own hide.

A side note: don’t be surprised or discouraged if even after the most sincere of apologies, she’s either not buying it or not ready to forgive you. She’s working through an entirely different process than you are and it’s just as difficult.

Set up accountability. The only way change can be sustainable is if you let others in to help you keep walking the correct path.

Be patient. If after two months of doing the right things and say, you’ve had an affair, and you hear yourself asking your wife when you can move back into the bedroom, you are showing that you’re not ready and that you do not understand the depth of pain you’ve put your wife through. She gets to determine the timeline. You need to wait for her lead.

Restitution. If you were to rob a bank, I’m guessing one of your consequences would be to pay back the bank. The same theory applies here. If you have stolen years from your wife by being unfaithful or if you have spent thousands of dollars in alcohol to feed your addiction, pay it back. How do you pay back time? Creatively. I read of an unfaithful husband who loved to golf. In an effort to pay back his wife time he had stolen, he gave up his Saturday golf game until she said he could go back to playing, all to show her that she was more important than anything else in his life.

Ask her. Outright ask your wife what steps she wishes you’d take: counseling together maybe? A recovery group? Your openness and willingness will move mountains.

Listen, I know all this sounds harsh and time-consuming and difficult. But if you have hurt the woman that you covenanted to cherish, you have some major rebuilding work to do. Will this be an uphill climb? Yes. Is it impossible? Nothing with God is impossible.

But I’ve long believed that good can come from pain.  I’ve long held to the truth that God loves turning hard things into gorgeous things; old things into new.  But something that I’m ascribing to more and more each day is that you don’t have to wait until you’re through the hard thing for the gorgeous and new things to appear.  As hard as that may be to believe.

I’m reading a beautiful and hilarious book called Carry On, Warrior by Glennon Melton and she tells a story of the time she did a bike ride to raise funds for AIDS awareness and she talks about how it was long and tortuous and she hated it and wanted to give up and then this happened:

“So I approached one of the mountains, already defeated. And a thin, gray-skinned, baldish man on his own bike rode up beside me. The man had hollow cheeks and eyes that were set too far back, like caves. So skinny and small, like a jockey with a vicious flu. I made confused eye contact with the grayish man and he put his hand on my back. He read my pain and said, “Just rest, I’ll push you.” And I cried and rested my legs and let myself be carried. I didn’t understand how he was doing it, how he was pushing me up that hill, riding his bike and my bike, one hand on his handlebars and one hand on my back. But slowly, together, we made it to the top. And I squeaked out a thank-you, and he looked right at me with his cavey eyes and said: thank YOU. Then he turned away from me and rode back down the hill to carry another rider who couldn’t carry himself. And I turned back to watch him go and saw that there were at least twenty of these angels—twenty men with hands on the backs of other women, other men twice their size, pushing them forward and upward. They stayed at the bottoms of the biggest mountains along the route, the mountains they knew we’d never climb on our own, and they carried us. One at a time. Then back down for another, and another, and another. ’Til we were all on the other side of the mountain, together. I later learned that they were called the AIDS angels. They were so sick. Many were dying of AIDS. But they were at every AIDS ride nationwide. Waiting to help the healthy riders over mountains. Do you see? They were dying. But they were the strongest ones. The weak will be the strong.”

So this is my point today.  You, sweet one, in the thick of it, barely hanging on, crying yourself to sleep each night, on anti-depressants, in counseling, going to recovery groups, praying and clinging and just trying to get through this one day in front of you…you have something to offer right now.

Let me say that again: you, in your pain, have something to offer someone else right now.

You do not have to wait until it’s all figured out (let’s be honest: it may never be all figured out).  You do not have to wait until you feel stronger.  You do not have to wait until you feel healed.  You do not have to wait until you have more happy days than sad days.  You do not have to wait.

Jesus loved and called and used and sent out the weakest ones all the time.  There is someone in your life who is hurting more than you are, or the very same amount that you are, or even less than you are.  (But who cares, really?   Pain is pain.)  Reach out. Be someone else’s answer to prayer. Come alongside someone and push her up her hill.  Let your weakness lead you to do something gorgeous and new.  Right now.  In your pain.

I told them how I used to judge people who got divorced.  I told them how I used to size somebody up before getting together with them so I could decide how much grace I would show them.  (I don’t think I did this consciously; I think I did this because I hadn’t experienced the grace of God to the depths that I have now, so I only had so much of my own to hand out to others.)  And I told them how someone recently told me that her husband used to refer to me as a Pharisee when I was on staff.

Back then, I would have taken that as the highest of compliments.  You better believe I’m a Pharisee and you better follow the rules I’m laying out as I try to get all of you errant supposed grown-ups to lead your small groups well so people feel connected, darnit!  Yes, I was a peach to work with.

So, let me say, to every single volunteer who served with me or who I led during my time at Blackberry Creek Community Church and then Christ Community Church – Blackberry Campus, I am so very sorry.  I am so sorry that I was mean.  I am so sorry that I was short-sighted.  I am so sorry that I put my rules over knowing you as a person.  I am so sorry that alot of times you were just a name on a post-it that I had to cross off so I could move on to the next ministry conversation after church on Sundays.  I am so sorry when I used you as a pawn to get all the ministry done that I so desperately wanted to get done “for Jesus”.  I was a leader living in an introvert’s body and my social skills were lacking (still are at times, I’m afraid). And my personal life was a mess but I was both trying to act like it wasn’t and keep it all together at the same time; but those are no excuses.  I wish I could say my heart was always in the right place.  It was a lot of the times but some of the time I just wanted to get my version of God’s Kingdom built the way I wanted it to be built and I hurt so many people with my rough edges and short words and endless emails telling you what to do.  I am so sorry.  I was a Pharisee.

But I’d like to believe that I’m not that way anymore.  To which my pastor replied, “Thank God!”  (In fact, come to think of it, if I were still that way, odds are I wouldn’t have been invited into that conversation.)

Because now I see what I didn’t see back then.  That somehow every single thing that God wants to get done will get done.  That I can trust that the Spirit is big enough for all of this. That people are more important than programs.  That your heart matters.  That your pain is something I can learn from.  That the sentence “so, tell me your story” is about the kindest thing anyone can say to another human being, especially if they’re not checking their watch.  That I came this close to my entire life tanking but Jesus stepped in and said, “I don’t think so,” and reached down and turned everything around, and then reminded me that it didn’t matter really if I messed everything up because he wasn’t going anywhere and he was going to get me through it and he would never stop loving me.  And oh yeah, now that I had experienced all that, it might be a good idea to reach out to others who are hurting and show them the compassion that he had just shown me.

I’m getting there.  But to prove that it’s a process, that I am in fact still recovering from my pharisaical ways: so we were sitting in my pastor’s office and I hear music, and I look down at the watch on the hand of the gal sitting on the couch with me and I think I see that it’s 5.  The service starts at 5.  My heart begins to race.  I’m trying to stay engaged and listen and keep eye contact but in my head I’m screaming, “The service has started! WE NEED TO GO!”  Just then, his assistant peeks her head in and says, casually, as if she’s done this a thousand times (because she probably has), “Service started.”  My pastor stands up which brings me unending relief, until he reaches in his pocket, pulls out his keys and tosses them to her, saying, “My shirt’s in my car…can you go get it for me?”  Church had started AND HE WASN’T EVEN DRESSED FOR CHURCH YET!  I’m dying, but we all stand to pray and we make it into the auditorium just in the nick of time.  And by just in the nick of time I mean with about twenty minutes to spare.  Okay, so I’m not a fully-recovered Pharisee.  But I’m getting there.  I’ll get there.

Come Into My World                           Amy Grant
Overnight                                              Amy Grant
Even the Winter                                   Audrey Assad
Wherever You Go                                Audrey Assad
How Emptiness Sings                           Christa Wells
Rise Up                                                   The Odes Project
Find Me in the River                            Delirious
Moving Forward                                   Free Chapel
Beautiful Things                                    Gungor
Desert Song                                          Hillsong United
The Valley Song                                    Jars of Clay
Shelter                                                   Jars of Clay
Abide                                                     Jenny & Tyler
Steel Bars                                              Jill Philips
Someday                                                JJ Heller
While I’m Waiting                                John Waller
Rise                                                         Josh Garrels
I Will Go Before                                    Justin Unger
A Million Pieces                                   Kim Hill
Always                                                    Kristian Stanfill
Be Still My Soul                                     Leigh Nash
No Condemnation                                Lisa Bevill
Gone                                                      Melody Olson
God Will Take Care of You                  Plumb
Whatever You’re Doing                      Sanctus Real
It’s Going to Be Alright                        Sara Groves
Like a Lake                                            Sara Groves
Rise                                                         Shawn McDonald
I Receive                                                Vineyard Music

Enjoy and let Jesus bring you healing…

We’ve been talking about bringing our God-given creativity out of hiding and letting God use the whole of our lives to bring light and hope to our individual worlds, and this weekend we were exploring the interplay between creativity and pain. Two of my favorite subjects, seriously. I’m kinda weird that way. I love talking about writing. I love talking about the hard things in life. And I love talking about God taking something hard and turning it into something beautiful.

We’ve been reminded – or maybe learning for the first time – that we each have a canvas. That we are each artists. That we are each image-bearers of a Creator God and that we don’t need to be quote-unquote artists in the way we might typically think of them – dancers, songwriters, painters – to be considered creative. That our entire lives are our canvases. I love this.

And I love the idea that our most beautiful creations can come at the intersection of our pain and our willingness to let God transform it.

I’ve long been buoyed up by the verse that says we have a God who comforts us.

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. –II Corinthians 1:3-4-

What a promise. Even if the verse stopped with the hope that God comforts us in all our troubles, we’d be set and we’d have reason to be deeply grateful. Because life is so hard and we all have pain and we all need, from time to time, the comfort of God.

But it doesn’t stop there. The verse goes on to say that he provides us with this comfort so that we can comfort others.

So that.

God does what he does so that we can do what we can do. Something only we can do.

So if you’re looking at your life and thinking you’ve got nothing to offer, I will beg to differ with you every single time. I would ask you about one of the deep pains in your life. And I would not judge if this pain happened to you or came at your own hand. And I would point out to you that whatever that pain is – divorce or a hard marriage or an abortion from a long time ago or an eating disorder or a prodigal child or a battle with depression or whatever – whatever it is, is your so that. Whatever you have received the comfort of God to get you through (and can I point out that just that you’re breathing still, he has gotten you through?), whatever he has gotten you through is your canvas. It’s your so that. It’s your thing that only you can do. You have received a comfort through your pain that you can turn around and offer to someone else in a way that only you can do.

Your canvas is calling. It’s waiting. No one else can or will fill it up with your ashes-to-beauty story. Pain can be the end of your story. But that would be sad, and a waste, and it doesn’t have to be that way. Don’t let it win out.  What in the world are you waiting for?

But here’s the thing. I have always interpreted Matthew 18 as something to be used solely between two fellow church-attending people. Like, friends in a difficult spot, or acquaintances who don’t like each other and say inappropriate and cruel things to each other. But I’d like to submit that Matthew 18 can and should be used as a model for couples in difficult marriages.

Before we go any further, let’s take a look at the passage, Jesus speaking:

“Moreover, if your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he hears you, you have gained your brother. But if he will not hear, take with you one or two more, that by the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established. And if he refuses to hear them, tell it to the church. But if he refuses even to hear the church, let him be to you like a heathen or a tax collector.” –Matthew 18:15-17 (NKJV)

This passage is almost staggering in its simplicity. Difficult and time-consuming, yes. But super clear in the steps to be taken. And why wouldn’t we apply this to our marriages? The marriage is the core relationship of the family, of society, of the Church.

Let me add, though, this will take tons of courage – not only to say the hard words with kindness, but to follow through to each next step if your words aren’t heeded. You must prepare for this like you’re preparing for battle, because that’s what it is. You’re fighting for your marriage. If you’re not in counseling or a recovery group or in a mentor relationship at this point, I’d get in one and surround yourself with prayer warriors who can keep you lifted up through this season.

So, let’s break it down.

Step one: talk to your husband on your own and tell him how he has sinned against you. You are allowed to do this. You are not only allowed, you are supposed to do this. For some odd reason, I never felt I was allowed to point things out to my spouse. I have no idea where I got this idea, because it’s not Scriptural, but for the most part, I did not do this; instead I hoped that somehow, someone in our church would notice we were imploding and breaking apart into little shards and this person would ride in and save the day. Didn’t happen.

So, pray and ask the Holy Spirit to reveal your part in the situation at hand, and repent of your poor choices first. Ask yourself if this is a hill you want to die on (Socks left on the floor? Let it go, man. Drinking every day and it’s scaring you? Take that hill.). I’d suggest writing out what you want to say, keeping it clear and simple and non-blaming. Put it in the form of a concern and a boundary, not nagging ultimatums. For example, probably don’t say, “You’re a drunk; I’m sick of you; stop drinking or I’m outta here.” Umm, that’s not going to help anything. Instead try, “It seems to me that you’re drinking more frequently and it scares me. I’m scared for your health, I’m scared for our family, and I’m scared for us. I would really like you to talk to someone about it. I can’t make you do so, though, but if you don’t, I need to because I need help in trying to figure this all out. Please let me know by the end of the week if you’ve made an appointment with someone.”

If your husband listens to you, wonderful. There is hope. If he doesn’t listen, move on to the next step.

Step two: bring someone with you that you trust to talk with your husband again. Pray through who this person will be. I suggest the husband of a close friend or an elder at your church that you know well, that you feel truly gets the gravity of your situation. If you are brushed off or blamed when you share your situation, this is not the right person to help you with this, and so you’re going to need to keep looking.

If your husband listens to you and this friend, great. There is hope. If he doesn’t listen, move on to the next step.

Step three: tell your situation to the church. This might mean bringing in your pastor and elder board and making this matter a more official church discipline issue. If you get to this point, it means that you are pretty desperate for change in your marriage and you must be willing to splay yourself out there. Again, this will not be easy, but we must trust the process that Jesus set in place for things like this.

Also, if you’ve gotten this far, odds are, your husband is not going to be too thrilled, and you must be ready for things in your relationship to go one of two ways: the emotional terrain may shift to escalating of the problem at hand, or, ironically, the problem may seem to stop altogether. Say, if the issue is drinking, you may notice that your husband doesn’t seem to be drinking at all. Be very careful. This choice of behavior could be a means of getting you off his back. It’s hard to argue with, “And when was the last time you saw me take a drink?” You’ll have to fight the urge to give up if this is the case, because know this: things like addiction and abuse do not get healed overnight; they can be stopped for a time when the person wants to (depending on the depth of the addiction, of course), but they can only be healed when the problem has been acknowledged and openly addressed.

If your husband listens to you and the church, fantastic. There is hope. If he doesn’t listen, then move on to the final step.

Step four: this one is scary for me to even touch on. First of all, because I’ve gotten to this step and it’s life-changing in really awful ways (awful at first; healing comes later). And it can feel mean. And it can feel like a non-Jesus-y thing to do. And yet, it’s right there in the Bible, being spoken by Jesus himself, so it must not be non-Jesus-y. To me this step means a therapeutic separation. However, I do not know every situation of every person reading this blog, so I would defer you to the group of hopefully godly people who have been walking you through this up to this point.

I will say this though: if you get to this point, and the group of people who are helping you say something like, “Well, we tried; and your marriage circumstances don’t fall into biblical grounds of divorce, so…” and their voices trail off and they basically send you right back into your marriage exactly the same as it was when you started this harrowing process, something’s not right. And I’m going to be so bold as to say: start the process all over again with another group of people, OR – gulp – institute a therapeutic separation on your own. (Let me stress again, dear ones: we do not leave our marriages over annoying habits or forgotten birthdays or lack of romance…no. We’re talking physically, emotionally, or spiritually damaging life choices that are affecting you in horrible ways.) Scripture isn’t always light and fun and super-encouraging. It’s also rough and tumble and it divides marrow from bone. It says hard things and expects us to do what it says. So, don’t just stop at verse sixteen…verse seventeen is key.

If you have come upon a hill worthy of you dying on, then girl, you can do this. It will be difficult, but I believe that Jesus will bring you the help you need and he will show you the way.